Five Months Later...

It has been five months since I said goodbye to Haiti and hello to America. I know I promised a blog within the first few weeks of being home. But then the excuses came- I’ll just wait until I have a job, that way I won’t have to have two separate blog posts. I’m not doing anything that anyone is interested in reading about. I don’t even know what to write. But I think that really, I didn’t want to write a new post. My transition was happening pretty smoothly and I was a little worried that if I started writing about it, it would make everything that much harder. I was worried that sitting down and writing about my transition would make me think more about it and force me to process things that might not be so easy to process. So I kept nodding and smiling at the people who said they wanted one last post so they knew what I was up to. Finally, I think I’m ready to write one. Get comfy, because a lot happens in five months! This could be a long read…

Coming back to the states has been a whirlwind. My two best friends, along with my family, met me at the airport with signs and sunflowers (my favorite). I wasn’t expecting to, but I cried as I got to hug my mom, my dad and brother that I hadn’t seen in six months and my best friends I hadn’t seen since I had left. I was a mess of emotions. I didn’t cry at all when I left my kiddos in Haiti, when I said goodbye to the other kids at the school, or packed all my belongings into two suitcases. I teared up as the plane took off and I realized I was really leaving. I think I cried in the airport when one of my friends called me to see how I was doing. But overall I had done a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check. I think I had gotten to a place where I missed home so much that I needed a break and was genuinely ready to be home. It kind of helped my transition, because I was able to appreciate all the luxuries of American life while feeling minimal guilt.

There are some things that were and are still hard for me as I’m getting used to American life. For example, I have always loved the Fourth of July. I love the big fireworks displays, I love the American pride, I love the bonfires and cookouts and family gatherings! This year, the Fourth of July was a little bit harder. I was walking down the street with my mom a week or so before the Fourth and someone shot off fireworks in their backyard as we passed their house. My heart skipped a beat and then started pounding as I jumped out of my skin, ducked and covered my head. I really honestly thought someone got shot in that backyard and was truly scared. For that last 7 months I lived in Haiti there was political unrest. It was not uncommon to hear gunshots in the evening and night hours. There were several shootings near to our school. There were a few nights where I was very scared and was awake for several hours praying for God’s protection. I guess this affected me more than I realized. Loud noises like fireworks or gunshots in movies make my heart skip a beat before I realize it’s not real and I am safe. (I would like to take a moment to ask for prayer for my friends and students still in Haiti. There have been many protests and much violence over the presidential elections. Please pray for safety for everyone living in Port-au-Prince.)

Driving a car is sometimes hard for me too. I have never had anxiety while driving ever before. Even when I drove in Haiti, I was so excited to get to drive that I didn’t really worry too much about getting into an accident. If I worried about it, I was always worrying about the monetary side of hitting someone, not the physical harm side. Now that I’m home, I worry a lot about the physical harm side. In America, we drive so fast and we are oftentimes so distracted. Interstates scare me. Interstates at night are terrifying. I find myself clutching the steering wheel, music turned off, praying the entire way for safety and protection. While I’m driving, all the possibilities of how I could possibly wreck are flashing in my brain. This person might try to switch lanes and not see me. A deer might run out in the middle of the road. That driver might not see his light is red. What if that person thinks they can make a left turn across my lane and I don’t have time to stop? How hurt would I be? How hurt would they be? What if I hit this pothole wrong and lose control? What if I don’t see someone when I’m merging and I hit them? What if that bicyclist wrecks right as I pass them and I can’t stop? The list goes on and on. I don’t know why there is this sudden anxiety about driving. I don’t know if there was something I saw or experienced in Haiti that is affecting me or what is causing this reaction. It has gotten better the more I drive, though, which is encouraging!

With both of these things, I have learned more about my unrelenting need for Jesus. I need Him daily. He is my rock, my comfort, my shield, my protection, my strong tower. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. He loves me and cares for me. Just as He took care of my anxieties in Haiti, He will take care of my anxieties in America. My God is strong and He is bigger than these fears.

The rest of my transition is going well! I was anticipating struggling with lots of guilt for being able to enjoy things that my Haitian kiddos will never get to experience, like hot showers, an abundance and variety of foods, and air conditioning. Thankfully, I have experienced very minimal guilt. There are a few nights as I climb into my big comfy bed and grumble about being too cold that I feel a little twinge of pain in my heart. I think it is a good pain though. It reminds me that my first world problems are really small in the grand scheme of things. It reminds me to stop complaining so much and be thankful. It has helped me turn my attitude around completely and become a little bit more positive.

The holidays are already proving to be a little difficult for me, though I know they won’t be as difficult as last year was when I was celebrating while being what felt like a world away from home. However, in some ways, I still am a world away from home. I’m a world away from my second home. I’m a world away from my seven kiddos that I miss terribly. I’m a world away from my dear friends, Heather, Callie, Lexie, Jackie, Christina, and Alexis. I’m so grateful to be able to be here with my family! I loved every minute of our thanksgiving celebration last week! We laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long while, and I loved it! But Friday I woke up with a deep longing to see my Haitian family and laugh with them as well. I wonder what they are up to. I wonder how my kiddos are doing in school. I know that they found a special education teacher to take over my room to allow my students to stay together! Praise God! I sometimes see pictures of them on Facebook. I wish I could explain the emotions I feel when I see them. It’s like a pang of sadness that goes from my eyes all the way to the pit of my stomach. I give myself 10 seconds to feel that sadness of not being there with them. After 10, I force myself to look at how happy the kids look or at the caption that says that they are healthy. I make myself smile as I count in my head to 7. A good friend once told me to do that when I was feeling blue, and I found that I feel so silly forcing myself to smile that by the end of the count to 7 I am smiling for real. Though I’m sad to not be in Haiti with the kids I love, I know that I am in America for a reason. Just as when I was in Haiti I tried not to wish my time away, I’m trying not to wish my time in America away. I don’t want to miss the time I have with my friends and family up here, because I never know where God will call me next, or when.  

Lastly, I want to touch on my new job! My first big girl job in America! I am currently a first grade teacher to nineteen super adorable kiddos at a school that is about 10 minutes away from my house. Yay! I am on a team with four other first grade teachers and I can honestly say that they are gifts from God. It might sound like an exaggeration, but I promise it’s true. Actually, the whole job is a gift from God. I interviewed for three other positions before this one and was offered one other job- a fourth grade position at a private Catholic school. I verbally accepted and then went on a short vacation to Alabama (shout out to my Auburn friends!!) The day that I flew back from Alabama, I had an interview for first grade at Stephens. I honestly didn’t see the point since I already had a job, but my mom persuaded me that it couldn’t hurt. That night I was offered the job. I was completely torn in two. I had already said yes to the other school. But this was first grade!! I love that age! I ultimately decided that I wanted to meet the team that I would be working with. A good team can make the year a breeze, while a bad one can make it tough. Long story short, I asked the principal if I could meet with the first grade teachers to see if I would fit in with their team. Three of the four teachers dropped everything to meet with me, show me around the school, and answer all of my questions. At the end, one said “I will be praying for you as you make this decision.” At that moment, I knew I should be at this school. This was where God was leading me. Though I had planned on taking a few days to make my decision, I felt so strongly that this was where I was supposed to be that I called the principal just a few hours later to accept the job.

There are so many differences between teaching in America and teaching in Haiti. I’m given many more resources, but on the flip side, it is crazy overwhelming to be given so many resources. I have so many teachers to collaborate with, which is amazing, but sometimes I don’t even know how to be collaborating best with each individual teacher. In America there are parent notes, doctor’s notes, staff meetings, trainings, and acronyms out the wazoo. No joke. I have PLC’s, PD’s, ATM’s for RTI, PBIS checks, KTIP meetings, SGG’s, PGP’s, and more. It’s tough to keep them all straight!! There really needs to be a handbook of all the acronyms for the new teachers so we can begin learning the language!!  Speaking of language… Since I was in Haiti last year, the school I’m at now thought it would be a good fit to have my class be the ELL pullout class. This means that students who come from homes where English is not their first or primary language are in my class. I. Love. This. So. Much. I love language and I love culture, and I think that it is such a great fit for me!! I know how it feels to be in a culture that I don’t understand, where people are speaking a language I’m not yet fluent in, so I think that has enabled me to really understand what some of my students are going through. Once again, I see in hindsight how God is using my time in Haiti to help develop me. This is just one example of how having a year of experience teaching in Haiti has prepared me for teaching in America. 

This post is getting long, but I wanted to share with you one fun story from teaching this year so far. In first grade, we learn all about cultures that are different than our own, which I love! We learned about the Native American culture, we learned about the early settler’s culture, and then I was given a special opportunity to teach all five first grade classes about Haiti’s culture. We gathered all five classes in the library where I gave a short presentation about what life in Haiti looks like. I was able to combine two of my favorite things!! Oh man, it was so much fun teaching the children about the similarities and differences between Haitian culture and American culture. The students were so engaged and interested! For weeks after the presentation, I had students knocking on my door to ask me a Haiti question that their class came up with. I loved it! They wanted to know about grocery stores, food, money, toys, washing machines, electronics, pets... you name it, these kids asked about it! I am so thankful to be able to share my experiences with a group of six and seven year olds!! One of my students asked how I got to Haiti, to which I responded “By plane!”  Without hesitation, another child asked if that was how the children I taught in Haiti got to Haiti as well. It was difficult for them to comprehend that there are people in other parts of the world who were born there, not brought there. Most of the kids I spoke to had never stopped to think about life outside of Boone County, let alone life outside of America. I loved being able to introduce them to that and encourage their minds to widen a bit. Another student, upon hearing that the students in Haiti did not always have the school supplies they need, asked if they could bring in school supplies for them. The school I teach now in is not located in a super wealthy area. There are many families struggling to put food on the table and provide school supplies for their own children, yet these children want to help others. I love that about kids. At this age, they want to give, give, give, even when it means that they might not get, get, get. I think about how Jesus said we must have faith like a child, and I’m thankful that I am privileged enough to get to work with children every day. It’s so encouraging to witness!

So, that’s my past five months in a nutshell. I am so sorry that it took me so long to write. My mom has been telling me that you have been asking for updates, but I can be very strong willed and stubborn at times!! But better late than never, right? Thank you again to everyone who prayed for me and for my family during the year I was gone and during my transition time back in America. I could not have done any of this without your support. So many times I was struggling with something in Haiti, or even during my first few weeks back home, and I felt God so close to me and knew that someone was praying for me. I am blessed to know so many amazing people! If you have any questions about something that I didn’t address in this blog post, shoot me a comment or a Facebook message, or ask my mom or me! There are so many things to say and not nearly enough time to write about it all.  

Though I’m closing the book on my Haiti adventure for now, I have no doubt that it will open again soon. I can’t imagine myself never returning to Haiti for the rest of my life. I don’t know what my next trip will look like, or when it will be, or for how long I will go. For now, my mission field is Stephens Elementary School in Boone County, Kentucky. Who knows what adventures I will find there :)

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.... You are serving the Lord Christ." ~ Colossians 3:23-24