It has been five months since I said goodbye to Haiti and
hello to America. I know I promised a blog within the first few weeks of being
home. But then the excuses came- I’ll
just wait until I have a job, that way I won’t have to have two separate blog
posts. I’m not doing anything that anyone is interested in reading about. I
don’t even know what to write. But I think that really, I didn’t want to
write a new post. My transition was happening pretty smoothly and I was a
little worried that if I started writing about it, it would make everything
that much harder. I was worried that sitting down and writing about my
transition would make me think more about it and force me to process things
that might not be so easy to process. So I kept nodding and smiling at the
people who said they wanted one last post so they knew what I was up to. Finally,
I think I’m ready to write one. Get comfy, because a lot happens in five
months! This could be a long read…
Coming back to the states has been a whirlwind. My two best
friends, along with my family, met me at the airport with signs and sunflowers
(my favorite). I wasn’t expecting to, but I cried as I got to hug my mom, my dad
and brother that I hadn’t seen in six months and my best friends I hadn’t seen
since I had left. I was a mess of emotions. I didn’t cry at all when I left my
kiddos in Haiti, when I said goodbye to the other kids at the school, or packed
all my belongings into two suitcases. I teared up as the plane took off and I
realized I was really leaving. I think I cried in the airport when one of my
friends called me to see how I was doing. But overall I had done a pretty good
job of keeping my emotions in check. I think I had gotten to a place where I missed
home so much that I needed a break and was genuinely ready to be home. It kind
of helped my transition, because I was able to appreciate all the luxuries of
American life while feeling minimal guilt.
There are some things that were and are still hard for me as
I’m getting used to American life. For example, I have always loved the Fourth
of July. I love the big fireworks displays, I love the American pride, I love
the bonfires and cookouts and family gatherings! This year, the Fourth of July
was a little bit harder. I was walking down the street with my mom a week or so
before the Fourth and someone shot off fireworks in their backyard as we passed
their house. My heart skipped a beat and then started pounding as I jumped out
of my skin, ducked and covered my head. I really honestly thought someone got
shot in that backyard and was truly scared. For that last 7 months I lived in
Haiti there was political unrest. It was not uncommon to hear gunshots in the
evening and night hours. There were several shootings near to our school. There
were a few nights where I was very scared and was awake for several hours
praying for God’s protection. I guess this affected me more than I realized.
Loud noises like fireworks or gunshots in movies make my heart skip a beat
before I realize it’s not real and I am safe. (I would like to take a moment to
ask for prayer for my friends and students still in Haiti. There have been many
protests and much violence over the presidential elections. Please pray for
safety for everyone living in Port-au-Prince.)
Driving a car is sometimes hard for me too. I have never had
anxiety while driving ever before. Even when I drove in Haiti, I was so excited
to get to drive that I didn’t really worry too much about getting into an
accident. If I worried about it, I was always worrying about the monetary side
of hitting someone, not the physical harm side. Now that I’m home, I worry a
lot about the physical harm side. In America, we drive so fast and we are
oftentimes so distracted. Interstates scare me. Interstates at night are
terrifying. I find myself clutching the steering wheel, music turned off,
praying the entire way for safety and protection. While I’m driving, all the
possibilities of how I could possibly wreck are flashing in my brain. This person might try to switch lanes and
not see me. A deer might run out in the middle of the road. That driver might
not see his light is red. What if that person thinks they can make a left turn
across my lane and I don’t have time to stop? How hurt would I be? How hurt
would they be? What if I hit this pothole wrong and lose control? What if I
don’t see someone when I’m merging and I hit them? What if that bicyclist
wrecks right as I pass them and I can’t stop? The list goes on and on. I
don’t know why there is this sudden anxiety about driving. I don’t know if
there was something I saw or experienced in Haiti that is affecting me or what
is causing this reaction. It has gotten better the more I drive, though, which
is encouraging!
With both of these things, I have learned more about my
unrelenting need for Jesus. I need Him daily. He is my rock, my comfort, my
shield, my protection, my strong tower. He will never leave me. He will never
forsake me. He loves me and cares for me. Just as He took care of my anxieties
in Haiti, He will take care of my anxieties in America. My God is strong and He
is bigger than these fears.
The rest of my transition is going well! I was anticipating
struggling with lots of guilt for being able to enjoy things that my Haitian
kiddos will never get to experience, like hot showers, an abundance and variety
of foods, and air conditioning. Thankfully, I have experienced very minimal
guilt. There are a few nights as I climb into my big comfy bed and grumble
about being too cold that I feel a little twinge of pain in my heart. I think
it is a good pain though. It reminds me that my first world problems are really
small in the grand scheme of things. It reminds me to stop complaining so much
and be thankful. It has helped me turn my attitude around completely and become
a little bit more positive.
The holidays are already proving to be a little difficult
for me, though I know they won’t be as difficult as last year was when I was celebrating
while being what felt like a world away from home. However, in some ways, I still
am a world away from home. I’m a world away from my second home. I’m a world
away from my seven kiddos that I miss terribly. I’m a world away from my dear
friends, Heather, Callie, Lexie, Jackie, Christina, and Alexis. I’m so grateful
to be able to be here with my family! I loved every minute of our thanksgiving
celebration last week! We laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long while, and
I loved it! But Friday I woke up with a deep longing to see my Haitian family
and laugh with them as well. I wonder what they are up to. I wonder how my
kiddos are doing in school. I know that they found a special education teacher
to take over my room to allow my students to stay together! Praise God! I sometimes
see pictures of them on Facebook. I wish I could explain the emotions I feel
when I see them. It’s like a pang of sadness that goes from my eyes all the way
to the pit of my stomach. I give myself 10 seconds to feel that sadness of not
being there with them. After 10, I force myself to look at how happy the kids
look or at the caption that says that they are healthy. I make myself smile as
I count in my head to 7. A good friend once told me to do that when I was
feeling blue, and I found that I feel so silly forcing myself to smile that by
the end of the count to 7 I am smiling for real. Though I’m sad to not be in
Haiti with the kids I love, I know that I am in America for a reason. Just as
when I was in Haiti I tried not to wish my time away, I’m trying not to wish my
time in America away. I don’t want to miss the time I have with my friends and
family up here, because I never know where God will call me next, or when.
Lastly, I want to touch on my new job! My first big girl job
in America! I am currently a first grade teacher to nineteen super adorable
kiddos at a school that is about 10 minutes away from my house. Yay! I am on a
team with four other first grade teachers and I can honestly say that they are
gifts from God. It might sound like an exaggeration, but I promise it’s true.
Actually, the whole job is a gift from God. I interviewed for three other
positions before this one and was offered one other job- a fourth grade
position at a private Catholic school. I verbally accepted and then went on a
short vacation to Alabama (shout out to my Auburn friends!!) The day that I
flew back from Alabama, I had an interview for first grade at Stephens. I
honestly didn’t see the point since I already had a job, but my mom persuaded
me that it couldn’t hurt. That night I was offered the job. I was completely
torn in two. I had already said yes to the other school. But this was first
grade!! I love that age! I ultimately decided that I wanted to meet the team
that I would be working with. A good team can make the year a breeze, while a
bad one can make it tough. Long story short, I asked the principal if I could
meet with the first grade teachers to see if I would fit in with their team.
Three of the four teachers dropped everything to meet with me, show me around
the school, and answer all of my questions. At the end, one said “I will be
praying for you as you make this decision.” At that moment, I knew I should be
at this school. This was where God was leading me. Though I had planned on
taking a few days to make my decision, I felt so strongly that this was where I
was supposed to be that I called the principal just a few hours later to accept
the job.
There are so many differences between teaching in America
and teaching in Haiti. I’m given many more resources, but on the flip side, it
is crazy overwhelming to be given so many resources. I have so many teachers to
collaborate with, which is amazing, but sometimes I don’t even know how to be
collaborating best with each individual teacher. In America there are parent
notes, doctor’s notes, staff meetings, trainings, and acronyms out the wazoo.
No joke. I have PLC’s, PD’s, ATM’s for RTI, PBIS checks, KTIP meetings, SGG’s,
PGP’s, and more. It’s tough to keep them all straight!! There really needs to
be a handbook of all the acronyms for the new teachers so we can begin learning
the language!! Speaking of language… Since
I was in Haiti last year, the school I’m at now thought it would be a good fit
to have my class be the ELL pullout class. This means that students who come
from homes where English is not their first or primary language are in my
class. I. Love. This. So. Much. I love language and I love culture, and I think
that it is such a great fit for me!! I know how it feels to be in a culture
that I don’t understand, where people are speaking a language I’m not yet
fluent in, so I think that has enabled me to really understand what some of my
students are going through. Once again, I see in hindsight how God is using my
time in Haiti to help develop me. This is just one example of how having a year
of experience teaching in Haiti has prepared me for teaching in America.
This post is getting long, but I wanted to share with you
one fun story from teaching this year so far. In first grade, we learn all
about cultures that are different than our own, which I love! We learned about
the Native American culture, we learned about the early settler’s culture, and
then I was given a special opportunity to teach all five first grade classes
about Haiti’s culture. We gathered all five classes in the library where I gave
a short presentation about what life in Haiti looks like. I was able to combine
two of my favorite things!! Oh man, it was so much fun teaching the children
about the similarities and differences between Haitian culture and American
culture. The students were so engaged and interested! For weeks after the
presentation, I had students knocking on my door to ask me a Haiti question
that their class came up with. I loved it! They wanted to know about grocery
stores, food, money, toys, washing machines, electronics, pets... you name it,
these kids asked about it! I am so thankful to be able to share my experiences
with a group of six and seven year olds!! One of my students asked how I got to
Haiti, to which I responded “By plane!” Without
hesitation, another child asked if that was how the children I taught in Haiti
got to Haiti as well. It was difficult for them to comprehend that there are
people in other parts of the world who were born there, not brought there. Most
of the kids I spoke to had never stopped to think about life outside of Boone
County, let alone life outside of America. I loved being able to introduce them
to that and encourage their minds to widen a bit. Another student, upon hearing
that the students in Haiti did not always have the school supplies they need,
asked if they could bring in school supplies for them. The school I teach now in
is not located in a super wealthy area. There are many families struggling to
put food on the table and provide school supplies for their own children, yet
these children want to help others. I love that about kids. At this age, they
want to give, give, give, even when it means that they might not get, get, get.
I think about how Jesus said we must have faith like a child, and I’m thankful
that I am privileged enough to get to work with children every day. It’s so encouraging
to witness!
So, that’s my past five months in a nutshell. I am so sorry
that it took me so long to write. My mom has been telling me that you have been
asking for updates, but I can be very strong willed and stubborn at times!! But
better late than never, right? Thank you again to everyone who prayed for me
and for my family during the year I was gone and during my transition time back
in America. I could not have done any of this without your support. So many
times I was struggling with something in Haiti, or even during my first few
weeks back home, and I felt God so close to me and knew that someone was
praying for me. I am blessed to know so many amazing people! If you have any
questions about something that I didn’t address in this blog post, shoot me a
comment or a Facebook message, or ask my mom or me! There are so many things to
say and not nearly enough time to write about it all.
Though I’m closing the book on my Haiti adventure for now, I
have no doubt that it will open again soon. I can’t imagine myself never
returning to Haiti for the rest of my life. I don’t know what my next trip will
look like, or when it will be, or for how long I will go. For now, my mission
field is Stephens Elementary School in Boone County, Kentucky. Who knows what
adventures I will find there :)
Whatever you do, work heartily, as
for the Lord and not for men.... You are serving the Lord Christ." ~
Colossians 3:23-24
