43 Days

Wow, it doesn’t seem like much time has passed since I last wrote, but after checking I see it’s been a month and almost a half! Whoops! To tell you the truth, I’ve been kind of putting off this blog. As of today, I have 43 days until I get back to America. I cannot even begin to describe to you my mixed feelings on this, which is why I haven’t blogged in a while.

I recently listened to a sermon recorded from Ashland of Madison County about missions, and I want to start this blog out by echoing a statement that the long term missionary spoke:

“From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Thank you for praying for me- you don’t know how weak I am. You don’t know how desperately I needed and continue to need your prayers. Thank you for giving. I never had to worry if I was not going to have enough money to buy food. (Brittany here: I actually am going to have money left over, and am currently praying about where this money will be best used. Thank you for your generosity!!) Thank you for the encouragement- for the letters, for the Christmas presents, for the care packages, for everything! Thank you! I could not have done it without you.”

As I was listening to this man whom I’ve never met speak, I kept nodding my head vehemently in agreement. Everything he said is true to my experience as a missionary to Haiti. I am so blessed by you!

I’m coming to a hard time here, and I need more prayers than ever. Home is so close that I can almost taste it! I miss my family so much. I miss my best friends. Have you ever heard of FOMO? It’s an abbreviation for the fear of missing out, and I’ll tell you it’s tough. It’s hard to miss out on important things, like celebrating the birth of a baby or taking a friend out to celebrate an engagement. Everyone says that those are things I can do later when I get home, but it’s not the same. I’m so excited to get back home and not miss weddings, holidays, milestones, and whatnot. I’m excited for air conditioning, soft pretzels, and Target. I’m looking forward to regaining some freedom. Needless to say, it’s hard to keep my mind here and be mentally present for my kids. I’m excited, but I’m also worrying about my future in the states- Will I get a job? Where will I live? What happens if I don’t get a job? Will I fit back in to my native culture or will I be a bit of an outsider? But this is not the time for me to be worrying or thinking about those things! I only have 43 days left with my precious kiddos, only 43 days to teach them and show them God’s love. Yikes! Please pray that I stay mentally present and cherish the remaining time in Haiti. It’s so easy, and so tempting, to give up and start making preparations for America. I actually caught myself today making a list of all the types of food I want to eat when I get back to America. Silly! I don’t want to wish my time away because I know what will happen. I’ll get home in 43 days and in another 43 days I’ll be wishing I was back in Haiti.

When I remind myself that I only have 43 days left in Haiti, I often have to fight back the tears. I talked about the part of me that wants to go back home. But there’s a part of me that recognizes that leaving Haiti means leaving a part of my heart behind. I’m leaving 7 special kids to an unknown future. As of right now, there is no one to take over my position as the special education teacher. My kids have come so far (I’ll touch on that later!) and it is so encouraging! However, they are special learners, meaning they don’t do well in a typical classroom. They need a smaller classroom size and to have an active part in learning. Please join me in praying for a special education teacher to come to Christian Light School.

Not only am I concerned about their future, I’m selfishly dreading saying goodbye to my kids because I know how much it’s going to hurt. I have spent nearly every day in Haiti with these kids. I’m not just their teacher on the weekdays; I’m their friend on the weekends and evenings and I sometimes even step in as parent when the house mom and dad are gone. We have become like a family during these 8 months of being together. They don’t understand why I’m leaving them and to be honest, I don’t have a great answer for them. I know God is calling me back to the states for a while, but how do you explain that to a five year old? To them, a little while is a week. For me, it’s unknown. This isn’t a typical summer vacation and then a new year where they’re in the school but with a different teacher… I really don’t know that I’ll ever see these kids again and it absolutely crushes my heart.

Leaving Haiti in 43 days also means leaving behind some really awesome friends that I’ve made within the last two months. God has been teaching me so much about friendship during my time in Haiti. Without going into too much detail, I had all but given up on finding community in Haiti outside of the gates of CLS. It’s hard to live and work with the same people all the time, and while we had fun movie nights and community dinners, and I longed to make other friends. Then, a lot of my friends at CLS left, all right in a row. It brought me to a point where I decided I didn’t need friendships in Haiti- it was just going to be me and Jesus. People came and made promises, but eventually they disappointed me and left. I knew Jesus would never leave, so I clung desperately to Him and closed my heart to the American teams coming and going. While this was the closest I’ve ever been to Jesus in my life, my heart was very lonely. God used this time to teach me a) to be completely dependent on Him but also b) that we are created for friendship and fellowship. Just as God is constantly in fellowship with the Son and the Holy Spirit, so too are we to be in fellowship with God and other people. God is not to be replaced by friends, but His grace, mercy, and love is to be magnified in our lives through friendship. Once I learned how to be completely dependent on God, He softened my heart and ended up blessing me with an amazing group of girls. It saddens me deeply to think about leaving them in 43 days and hurts even more when I think about the fact that I might never see them again. Even if they all moved back to America with me, we’re in all different corners of the country. Please pray for my heart as I get ready to say some tough goodbyes- both to my American friends and my Haitian students.

Like I said, I’m coming upon hard times here, and I really need your prayers more than ever. But even though some days are really, really hard there are also days that are really, really good. I recently found the goals that my children made at the beginning of the school year. Before my class began, I asked all my children to think of three goals that they wanted to accomplish before the end of the school year. In April, I found the goals and was astonished- each and every one of my children had accomplished at least two of their three goals. Huge success!! 

* Herode can now write his name! Oh, and he hasn’t been sent to the office in over two weeks! This was a child who made me cry in front of the class because of his bad behavior. Now, he sits and does his work and even asks for more!!!

·        * Magdala went for one week without getting into trouble and got a 100% on a spelling test for the first time last week!

·        * Pame and Mislene have each gotten a 100% on a multiplication test and spelling test!

·        * Patrick can add!

·        * Vidlon can add AND subtract!  He is a math whiz and a problem solver. This kid thinks outside the box like no seven year old I’ve met. On Easter Sunday, we flew kites, but the wind was so strong that the frames pulled away from the plastic covering on most of them. I was scurrying about, trying to find glue or tape, when I looked up to the sky and saw them all flying again. My confused gaze finally came to rest on a proud Vidlon, who held up a wad of gum and gave me his famous Vidlon grin. See? Outside of the box!

·         * J.J. is working hard to get promoted to second grade! This year he has learned to read, spell, add, subtract, tell time, and count money!

Ahhhh!! And I’m not even telling you about the ways my students have grown socially! I am so proud of my students!

When I think back to our little classroom at the beginning of the school year and compare it to now, I can’t help but to laugh and praise God. There were days where I was certain I was failing as a teacher. I cried so many nights because of the behavior problems in my class and my inability to regulate them. I was so overwhelmed with how much we needed to cover in the span of the year to get these kids up to speed that several times I almost gave up. As the quote from the beginning of this blog says, you don’t know how weak I am. But God. God had different plans for my kids… no, for His kids. Thank God that He never gives up on us, right??  I simply cannot take any credit for the change in my children. It’s not because I’m a great teacher or an awesome person. Not hardly. It’s because my God is an awesome God. He used me this year for the benefit of these children and the benefit of His kingdom. If God left this up to me, I can honestly say I would have given up. I would have said that there was no way a child who couldn’t match letters to phonetic sounds at the beginning of the school year would learn to read. I would have said that after receiving an average of 30% on spelling tests for the first two quarters of school that there was no way for Magdala to get a 100% on a spelling test. I would never have guessed that I would be sending a student UP a grade level. But God thinks differently than humans! He deserves all the praise and all the glory for the successes that these seven children have seen this school year. The best part is, I know He isn’t finished yet! I still have 43 days with these kids. It is my goal to get Patrick up to a second grade math level, to get Magdala to learn how to add, to get Herode to identify all his letters, to get Vidlon to feel confident in spelling. It seems like a daunting task for the month and a half that I have left. But my God is big, and He can do more than we can even imagine! Praise Him! Oh I am so thankful for His amazing grace. I am thankful that He has allowed me to be a part of His plan for Vidlon, J.J., Herode, Magdala, Patrick, Pame, and Mislene!

Though these next 43 days might be a tough battle, I’m glad to have been sent to Haiti and thankful that you guys came on this journey with me. Seriously, I can’t say thank you enough for all the prayers, words of encouragement, letters, financial support, and because I appreciate it so much I’m gonna say it again, your prayers. It’s my aim to get another blog out before I leave Haiti to update you on the goals we (hopefully) will meet before school ends :) Please keep me, my students, and Christian Light School in your prayers!

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.... You are serving the Lord Christ." ~ Colossians 3:23-24