Because He LIVES

I wrote this blog post two Monday's ago, but I forgot I'd written it. While thinking of what I wanted to write today, I remembered that I had a post already ready to go! Sorry I've been holding out on you guys! :) 

Last night, I was able to FaceTime my Bible Fellowship Group from Ashland Ave. Baptist Church of Madison County. I hadn’t seen their faces in five months and though I knew that I missed them due to the pang in my heart when I saw their Facebook statuses, I had no idea the depth of this emotion. They asked me what was difficult about being down here. Here’s the thing about that question- it almost always makes me cry. It’s like there is a canopy in my heart. Things like homesickness and loneliness and pain are held up in that canopy that is delicately draped to protect the rest of my heart from feeling them. Sometimes when I feel a twinge of homesickness I can push it away to the canopy and move on. I’m not saying this is the best way to deal with emotions, but it’s how it happens. Sometimes, a small hole gets poked in the fragile shelter and the memories of home and the people I love start dripping through. I can usually patch this hole by distracting myself with something else- the kids at the home, a good book, my Bible study, or a movie. Last night, I cried a little but I held myself together while I finished talking to my BFG.  After I hung up though, the patch fell away and a giant hole was opened up. I was pounded by a waterfall of emotions. Everything that I had stored up in the canopy for the past few months was released in an overwhelming wave.

I cried. No, cried isn’t a strong enough verb. I wept. I blubbered. I sobbed. I wailed. I cried so hard that no noise came out of my mouth; it hung open like a fish gasping for breath though it’s on land. My lungs physically hurt every time I tried to breathe and at one point I was convinced I was going to hurl everywhere. I say this not so that you will pity me. I don’t want you to think, that poor thing, living in a third world country all by herself. I say this so you will know the depth of my emotions. I text my friends and family and asked for prayer. It sounds so silly, but the thing I wanted most was not encouraging words or Bible verses to strengthen me. What I craved most was a massive bear hug from my dad. I wanted to collapse into his strong arms and have him tell me I would be okay. Unfortunately, his arms were over 1500 miles away. My friend Katelyn reminded me that while my earthly father’s arms were unable to provide for my need, my heavenly father’s arms were open wide and waiting for me. I was hesitant, reluctant almost. I wanted a physical hug, but I knew she was right. I fell and surrendered. Thank goodness God knows what I’m saying even when I can’t find the words because I was too short of breath to speak!

My God provides all that I can ask for or even imagine! That’s definitely a recurring theme for my trip to Haiti! Last night he provided a friend for me to talk to, someone to sit with me as a cried, to lick the tears off my face. No! Not a real person, crazy! He sent me Snoopy, our street dog turned guard dog turned guardian. Snoopy sat with me while I cried, he let me hug him (yay for answered prayers for a hug!) and sat in my room until I fell asleep. This is not the first time God has sent this dog to comfort me, but it’s one of the first times I truly appreciated it.

This morning, I sat in devotion with puffy eyes and a hard heart. I did not want to teach today; I wanted to curl up in my bed and watch movies and read letters from home. But I knew that I needed to pull myself together and go to work. Then, we sang these words:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow                     

Because He lives, all fear is gone.                             

Because I know, yes I know,                                   

He holds the future                                                   

And life is worth the living just                                 

Because He lives.                                                       

Mwen konnen l' vivan, m'ap konte dou demen
Paske l' vivan enkytid mwen yo ale
Paske m' konnen, o m' konnen
Li se tout lavi mwen
M'ap konte jou pou l' vin cheche m'
Paske l' vivan

Wow. That chorus. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Let’s forget about tomorrow. Because He lives, I can face today. Because He lives, all my fear is gone. All my heartache. All my homesickness. All my loneliness. All my pain…. It’s gone! Praise God, He holds my future! And my life here in Haiti is worth the living just because My Savior lives. It’s difficult here, but you know what, I have no doubt that life would be difficult living in America right now too, though undoubtedly in different ways. Though I miss home, my life in Haiti has a purpose. I may not be able to see it all the time. I may doubt the impact I’m making. But these lyrics reminded me today that I was called here for a reason. God wants me here and my life here needs to be lived out. While it’s okay to have moments of weakness and sit in my room all night thinking of home, I have a purpose here that I’m supposed to be living out! And that purpose is worth it!

The hole in my heart was patched this morning. It was sewn together by my God, who loves me more than He loves His own Son. He sent His Son to die for me so that in my moments of weakness I don’t have to be alone. I can be comforted by the fact that my Savior died for me, yes, but more than that He is living right now and He is holding not just my future, but me, my very self, in His hands and saying “My daughter, it’s going to be okay because I live!”