Tears and Teachings

Every Monday morning, I start the morning by singing with my students and then teaching a short Bible story, and the kids are given their memory verse for the week. This week, I taught them the B-I-B-L-E song, and then oepened a children's devotional. Now, being the excellent planner I am, I had not sat down beforehand to figure out which lesson I wanted to teach. (hahaha, sarcasm) I quickly found one that I thought would be quick and easy- the title was "Does Jesus Cry?" I asked the students about times that they have been sad to help them relate before I told them the story found in Luke 11. Jesus's good friend Lazarus had just died and Jesus, being fully man and fully God, wept. It's the shortest verse in the Bible, and I wanted my students to memorize it. Luke 11:35, Jesus wept. We talked about how crying when you're sad is completely okay. Jesus never sinned, not one single time. He cried when He was heartbroken that His friend died. Since my kiddos are from the Children's home, a lot of them have never been taught how to deal with emotions. When they cry, they're often laughed at by the other kids and don't ever get to talk about what made them upset. They try to hide their tears and be tough. It's really sad, and I want them to know that if Jesus cried, it's completely, 100% okay for them to cry.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I woke up in the middle of the night with a crazy stomach ache. I spent the majority of the morning in the bathroom... well, I'll spare you the details. Anyways, I'm so completely rundown and exhausted. When you're sick, you just want your mom. I'm convinced that this is true no matter how old you get. On top of being sick, we had no power, which means no fans and no wifi, no movies to keep you entertained. It sounds so "American" to get frustrated about those things, but when you've been sick and are running a low grade fever, a fan is an absolute necessity. At about 6:00, my mom texts me to tell me that a family friend has suddenly passed away. Tom Broyles was my basketball coach's husband, and a wonderful man. He always was encouraging me to keep practicing and even after I graduated high school he would still find me to ask how college was going. He was such a positive man and it was very upsetting to hear of his death. And to be honest, it scared me. I was worried for my family, for my parents and brother as they went about their daily lives. What if something were to happen to them suddenly, just as it did to Mr. Broyles? What if I couldn't make it home in time to say goodbye? Add these worries on top of my tough day of not feeling well and missing home.... let's just say I was a wreck. I managed to walk up to the children's home to talk to one of my good friends down here, Ashlie Will, without crying. As soon as I entered the gate and saw all the kiddos running at me, I lost it. One of my little girls, Magdala jumped into my arms and as I held her, the tears flooded down my face. She looked at me with wide eyes, "Miss Brittany, why are you crying??" I hurriedly put her down and ran upstairs because I hate to have people see me cry. After talking to Ashlie Will and praying with her for peace, I walked back downstairs to find Magdala waiting for me, worry in her little eyes, which of course reduced me to a puddle again.

We sat on the stairs for a long time, a five year old girl mothering a twenty-two year old by wiping her tears and telling her it will all be okay. I apologized to her; after all, this is something I should be taking care of by myself. I shouldn't be relying on the hugs of a child to help me. Magdala looked up at me and told me something I will never forget, ever. "Miss Brittany, Luke 11:35... Jesus wept. And now, you wept. But it's okay, Miss Brittany. You can cry when you're sad because Jesus cried when He was sad. It's okay Miss Brittany, it's okay." Wow. Isn't it amazing how God uses the people you're supposed to be teaching to teach you instead?? I was blown away by my little student. Even as I'm writing this now, I'm reduced to tears over the wisdom of this little girl. It melts my heart. Every word that she said was so completely true. I've always hated crying in front of people- it seems like weakness or something. I'm not sure exatly. I just don't do it. Not in movies, not at weddings, not at graduations... I just try to hold it in as best I can and cry privately later. But Jesus himself was not ashamed to cry in front of others when He was truly sad. Sadness is an okay emotion, it's human. I'm allowed to cry, to admit I'm hurting.

I've been in Haiti nine weeks, and I'll admit- it's hard. Is this where God called me to be? Absolutely. Do I miss my mom, my dad, my brother, Steph, Makenzie, my church family, my dog, my old life? Absolutely. It's just now hitting me that I'm not here for a few weeks and then coming back home like I've always done. This is my life for the next 8 months. I'm going to be completely honest. It's hard. It's hard to see everyone carving pumpkins with their families, to see everyone going through corn mazes with their friends, and for me to be here. It's hard to go from being surrounded by a ton of people and friends in college to only talking to one or two friends from home. It's hard to meet all these new people, figure out their personalities and quirks and figure out where I fit in. But my God is an awesome God. He knows every tear I cry, even when I cry in private. He knows how my heart aches to see my family, and He is allowing them to come down in December. He knows when I'm hurting and sends help in all different forms- even from a five year old child.

There's so much more to write, but I'll have to save it for another blog. I want to leave you with the devotion that I read last night when I was struggling to find sleep. "Blessed, Merciful God, your Word promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me (Psalm 126:5-6). Help me to see that the promise is not made to those who simply have tears, but to those who are willing to sow seed in the midst of their tears. Your Word tells us in Luke 8:11 that the seed is the Word. If I am willing to keep believing and sowing Your Word, even when I am desperately hurting, You will bring me forth from this difficult season with songsof joy. Because of your faithfulness, with joy I will draw water from the wells of salvation (Isaiah 12:3)."

Lord, that is my prayer. Help me to go out and proclaim the Gospel to the children I have been blessed with in my classroom, even when I am so homesick. Even when my heart aches and I am brought to tears in the middle of the orphanage. Even when I'm worried about the safety of my family and friends. Even when I am mourning the death of a good man. Help me to never stop doing Your work. You will bring me through it and allow me to be encouraged and return with songs of joy. Amen.